So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
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on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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