U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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