ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
