All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
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