Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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