I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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