We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
