I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
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i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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