I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
