I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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