did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
