If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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