i already hear my dad disowning me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
