Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
