Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
