somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
