you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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