I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
