i just had sex bonerless
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
