we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i think i just lost a toe
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
