Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
