I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
