Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
