Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
