Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Randomize
