While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
