Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
