Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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