I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
