I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
