dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
