Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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