By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Randomize
