every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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