Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
