Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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