How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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