Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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