i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
