you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
