Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
