I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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