If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
