I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
