Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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