she woke up with a sticky ear
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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