My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
