the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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