gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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