I wish my penis had an off switch
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
