Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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