I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im part way to drunk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
