Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
