When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
