I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
