Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
