You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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