woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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