you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
