Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
