The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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